In the lead-up to this year’s December 15 Challenge into Change deadline, we’re revisiting the stories of resilience, hope and growth writers shared with us in 2016-17.
Challenge into Change is The Women’s Initiative’s annual writing contest honoring women’s stories of overcoming life challenges to find hope and healing.
In this essay, Sheila Boling shares difficulties and wisdom from an experience of going through divorce.
Divorce Laugh to Keep from Crying
By Sheila Boling
Sometimes when you go through a divorce you just have to laugh to keep from crying.
When you get married to stand before God, family, friends and you vow to be with that person until death do you part. You say I do and things are going well. Then suddenly the things that brought you together are the very things that tear you apart. No matter how you tried to stay together you just can’t get past things that were done or said in anger. You may realize you are not compatible at all.
So you separate for 3 months or 1 year depending on your assets or if you have children, etc. During this time you try to put the pieces back together. You look at yourself and reflect on things that went wrong. You think about the things that your spouse/partner complained about can be changed. You decide if you can make the changes without changing who you are as a person. You even try counseling because in all honesty no one wants their marriage to end. You meet and try to work things out. However, you realize that you can’t work out the issues. More things are done or said to make it in impossible.
Now here is where the three stages of divorce come in the good the bad and the ugly.
Stage 1: The hurt that your marriage failed and you are getting a divorce. You have to listen to what people are saying. The typical things I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Oh what happened? The favorite he or she wasn’t the right person for you but I didn’t want to hurt you. You looked so happy. You cry and cry some more because it didn’t work out.
Stage 2: The anger and rage because it has ended. You are mad be-cause of the mean and hurtful comments. You are mad because people keep running to tell you that they saw him or her and they were with someone. You are mad because when the holidays come around you think about the engagement or the marriage. You reflect on the goods times because it was not all bad. Then you are even madder. At times you are mad when any man or woman even tries to talk to you. You chew them out and spit them out. Then you laugh because otherwise you will be crying.
Stage 3: Moving on… The ink on the divorce papers have dried. You are done with the hurt, anger, rage and tears. You do things that make you happy. You regain your confidence that you lost. You regain your self-esteem. You realize you are better than you give yourself credit for. You look back and you just laugh at what you did or the way you acted. You are no longer the deranged divorcee. You pick up the pieces and you move on. You ready to go on with your life. You have moved on when you want your ex to be happy and meet someone. You have moved on when you know you may not have been the right person for them.
People think that women should wear divorce on their forehead like a badge of honor especially if you have been married more than once. They will say third time a charm, haha. So you smile and say you never know. They repeat themselves and you smile and say the same thing. You really want to say something mean. You laugh to keep from crying. You have moved on when you open your heart up to new adventures, new people, and new desires.
So don’t think of divorce as a bad word.
Define - Don’t let divorce define who you are as a person
Independent - Newfound independence
Vibrant - Vow to be you, vow to change if it brings out the best in you
Opportunities - The opportunities are endless
Romance - Romance will come your way when you open your heart
Courage - The courage to move beyond divorce, rage, hurt, tears. The confidence in knowing you beat the label tattooed on your forehead
Enjoy- Enjoy everything that life has to offer, Empowered to move forward
Divorce laugh to keep from crying
How our judges and readers responded…
- You have come through the trauma of divorce and are now on the other side. Your story will speak to so many. There is encouragement here for women considering, or currently going through, a divorce.
- The DIVORCE acronym helped to pull the author’s writing together, taking a word that can include much hurt and sorrow and using positive, uplifting words to define it.
- In this piece, the author reflects on the challenges of divorce and the stages by which one may overcome these.
- The prose moves confidently and powerfully, taking the reader vicariously on a journey of frustration, despair, and into redemption and confidence.
About the author...
I live in Covesville, VA and was a twin. I lost her to breast cancer so I run the Women's Four Miler because of her. I enjoy running, gardening and gathering with friends and family.