Debunking Self-Compassion Myths

Aug 1

By Kishara Joy Griffin, MSW, Sister Circle Therapist

Key functions of self-compassion as described by Kristin Neff are:

Self-Kindness: Being gentle and understanding with oneself rather than harshly self-critical.
Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and feelings of inadequacy are part of being human.
Mindfulness: Maintaining a balanced awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, and experiences without suppressing or exaggerating them.

Mindfulness is one function I love to highlight because it allows one to observe negative thoughts and feelings with openness and non-judgment, which can prevent over-identification with each thought. These functions of self-compassion would imply the active involvement of an individual providing care for themself the same way one would care for another. This would allow space for individuals to begin to reflect on the many layers of how self-compassion can benefit them. Additionally, one can utilize these functions of self-compassion to unpack cultural and individual barriers to applying it in their life. (Which is what I did reflectively as part of this blog!)

"Treating yourself as a priority is selfish."

One myth that is a common belief held related to self-compassion is "Treating yourself as a priority is selfish.”

According to the national Self-Nurture Survey commissioned by The Thymes Limited, 80% of women who were surveyed admitted doing self-care related activities made them feel better. In the same study, it was revealed that one-third of those women surveyed spent less than 30 minutes a day on nurturing activities, while 70% of the same women reported spending up to 10 hours daily caring for others (partners, children etc.). What we can gather from this research is women are spending more time on others than themselves; in fact, following these reports, 20% of surveyed women reported feeling guilty, selfish, anxious, and unsettled when they are not doing something for others.

The overwhelming reports of negative emotions associated to caring for oneself could be for a number of reasons. Reasons such as socialization: We know that women have been socialized in this world to be the caregivers. In Black culture, there is a strong emphasis on communal caregiving. It can be seen through the unspoken social agreements in the Black community like, "the maternal grandmother or aunties and cousins are the unofficial/official babysitter for the newborn when mama has to work, not the daddy's side of the family." So, when Grandma says no or expresses she has plans, the shock and awe runs through the family along with the immense amount of guilt felt by the maternal grandmother who set the boundary. However, to avoid the unwanted feelings and reactions, Grandma actually refuses to set the boundary and overextends their capacity to care — not only neglect their time to rest or their enjoyment of free time.

Utilizing a function of self-compassion, which is mindfulness, would tell us that treating yourself as a priority is selfish becomes a myth when a person finds their self-making choices based on the over-identification of their unfavorable emotions. It becomes a myth when a person becomes captive to unspoken social agreements and pressures. What we can argue about prioritizing self is that it supports caring for your mental and emotional well-being. Lastly, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong in communal caregiving. In my opinion, the communal aspects of our culture is what makes us unique as a people! However, it was important for me as I reflected on cultural barriers to self-compassion to highlight one of the strongest unspoken social agreements within our cultural dynamic to paint a picture of how the lack of self-compassion through self-prioritization can impact an individual's experience. Of course, this is not 100% the case nor is the complete narrative but just a piece of the collective experiences of Black women.

My inner critic motivates me!

How often is this statement said in defense of ourselves when we engage in negative self-talk? An individual barrier to implementing self-compassion in our lives can be ourselves at times. With the belief that the inner critic helps keep us focused or helps push us to accomplish goals, it side-swipes the reality of what it actually does — beat us down emotionally. When looking at the functions of self-compassion, it would encourage us to be real about our limitations but not be judgmental. With the inner critic, judgment reigns supreme. While the inner critic unconsciously acts as form of punishment, it may very likely be perceived as motivation. It begs the questions, “What stories are we telling ourselves to keep pushing forward? Are these stories at play actually allowing us to engage in our journey with confidence and inspiration, or are they constant reminders of our risk of shortcomings to complete task out the fear of having to accept these limitations?” Looking at an aspect of self-compassion, a function of it is accepting common humanity, just knowing shortcomings are a part of life! To also gently push back on this myth of the inner critic, an added resource found on self-compassion by Breiens and Chen, 2012, authors of their published research have found self-compassion increases self-improvement and motivation. In this research, it highlighted findings suggesting that taking an accepting approach when it comes to personal failures may actually help people become more motivated for improvement. Implying that when we are more loving toward ourselves we can nurture more positive results in our lives.

This example may very well be low-hanging fruit, but let's ask … did it resonate ?

Isn't talking to yourself just weird?

Brené Brown, an author and professor at the University of Houston, states in an article, "We [humans] are often our own worst critics. We talk to ourselves in ways that we would never speak to someone else. With self-compassion, we can learn to understand and calm our inner critic, which is key to living a brave life." The reality of it all for me is no matter if the barrier to self-compassion is cultural or self-imposed, the barrier still exists. There is no easy way of learning new ways of responding to ourselves in times of suffering, fear, guilt, shame, and self-judgment, but compassion creates pathways toward a healthier response to self. As humans, we have conversations with ourselves knowingly and unknowingly. The narratives that we tend to tell ourselves are influenced by the filtered messaging media and our environment. Having new ways to speak out loud to ourselves can balance out and calm the unfavorable emotions we experience from judgment of our inner critic, and social pressures. Below, you can find a couple of self-compassionate statements that can help you on your journey should you choose to practice self-compassion.

My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.
I release myself with forgiveness from today and move forward with self-love to tomorrow.
It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.
I am not ready to change and it’s okay for me to not force my growth.
It's okay if I take extra time for myself today.