What I didn’t know to look for in their stories were signs that my own challenges were not behind me. Red flags and flashing lights might have at least intermittently illuminated the path I was headed toward. I never imagined that I’d end up back in the clutches of such all-consuming devastation until it happened. But I’ve been conditioned just so, to never see it coming.
I thought I was moving my life forward, but it turns out I was hopping in quicksand. I was freefalling from a plane. I was standing in place while the earth rushed out from beneath my feet. I was being challenged again and again by the very person I thought would always be my greatest ally in life. Unlike with MS, this time my approach was less defined. I fought against the challenge, I leaned into it, I tried to walk over it and under it and contort my being to fit its will. I tried through agony and melancholy, I felt my heart crack open and my soul lose its shine and still, I kept trying. No matter how I tried, I could not turn this challenge into anything except more worry, more anxiety, and more depression.
Now I know what was stopping me wasn’t my tenacity nor my ambition, not my intelligence or any internal flaw at all. What was stopping me was that I didn’t know what abuse could look like. And, I certainly didn’t know abuse could surprise you after years and years of believing you were in a safe relationship.
What I couldn’t predict in 2017, is that Challenge into Change would continue to breathe hope into my life year after year. Today in 2019, I am a distracted but dedicated member of the Challenge into Change planning committee. Weeks after I promised to, I went around town to set out pamphlets and flyers to get folks interested in submitting their writing. While doing this I came alive again. I happened to see so many people that I somehow never ran into while hiding out on my couch in my fuzzy slippers. And with each smile, and hug, and promise to catch up and have coffee or chat, or start a project together, I was reminded that I am more than the challenge, I can overcome and be the change.
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If you live in Central Virginia, please consider submitting an essay or poem to Challenge into Change.
Submissions must be 500 words or less (hint, the short essay above is exactly 500 words, you can do it!).
You don't have to be a professional writer, and first-time writers are encouraged to enter.
Also, please share—if it weren't for this organization's services none of my work would exist.
The deadline is December 12, 2019—which is perfect if you're a procrastinator like me. :)
Originally published by Hold the Line
Bellamy Shoffner is a freelance writer and publisher of Hold the Line (HTL), a widespread publication for parents and educators who are committed to social equity. With a solid focus on tangible action, Bellamy expanded HTL to include community events and nonprofit collaborations. Bellamy’s work encourages citizens of the world to become empowered to stand for justice across the many intersections of marginalized communities. Her writing can also be found in The Establishment, Narratively, HuffPost, and other reputable sites. She was a winner of the 2017-18 Challenge into Change Writing Contest for her essay, “Against Adversity, We Can Win,” was a judge for the 2018-19 contest, and now serves on the Challenge into Change Committee.
